On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car
stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry
her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was
then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.
This was the scene ten years ago. The following days were as simple
as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to
make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the
affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every
morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our
kid was studying in a boarding school. Our marriage life seemed to be
enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by
unpredictable changes. Dew came into my life.
It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me
from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love.
This was the apartment I bought for her. Dew said, you are the kind of
man who best draws girls’ eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of
my wife. When we were just married, my wife said, Men like you, once
successful, will be very attractive to girls. Thinking of this, I
became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn’t
help doing so. I moved Dew’s hands aside and said you go to select some
furniture, O.K.? I’ve got something to do in the company. Obviously she
was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the
moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used
to be something impossible to me. However, I found it rather difficult
to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her,
she would be deeply hurt.
Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing
dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon.
Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer,
visualizing Dew’s body. This was the means of my entertainment. One day
I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will
you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently
she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I
couldn’t imagine how she would react once she got to know I was
serious.
When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all
the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide
something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She
gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.
Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live
together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.
When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I’ve got
something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I
observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my
mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce.
I raised the serious topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my
words, instead she asked me softly, why? I’m serious. I avoided her
question. This so-called answer made her angry. She threw away the
chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!
That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew
she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could
hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to
Dew.
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which
stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my
company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain
in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would
become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected
to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of
divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and
clearer.
Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I
saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke
up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.
She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from
me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and
in the month’s time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her
reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month
later and she didn’t want him to see our marriage was broken.
She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning,
do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?
This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me.
I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she
continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your
arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you
must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.
I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and
wished to end her marriage romantically. I told Dew about my wife s
divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No
matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she
said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention
was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So
when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our
son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words
brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then
to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed
her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don’t tell our son.
I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She
went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on
my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her
blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this intimate woman
carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There
were some fine wrinkles on her face.
On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being
demolished. Be careful when you pass there. On the fourth day, when I
lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple
and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew
became vague. On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me
something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be
careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even
stronger. I didn’t tell Dew about this.
I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made
me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now.
She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried
quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my
dresses have grown bigger. I smiled.
But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I
could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had
buried all the bitterness in her heart.
Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand
to touch her head. Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it’s time to
carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother
out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to
come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was
afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my
arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the
hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her
body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a
step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will
hold me in your arms until we are old. I held her tightly and said,
both you and I didn’t notice that our life lacked intimacy.
I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was
afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs.
Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won’t divorce. I’m
serious. She looked at me, astonished. Then she touched my forehead.
You got no fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I
said, I can only say sorry to you, I won’t divorce. My marriage life
was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of life,
not because we didn’t love each other any more. Now I understand that
since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am
supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you. Dew
seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed
the door and burst into tears.
I walked downstairs and drove to the office. When I passed the
floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her
favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled
and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until we are old.
(a sweet story I got from my friend Jac’s blog. very touching…)
